Don't mess with mothers

My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, what's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."

It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want, And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like, and get tattoos from head
   to toes.

And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me, My body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control, and it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C.S.D.

Of course, my first instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him,"Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.

And I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned, so I'll decide what's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch."

Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry... but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is a roof for over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now, and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," it's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying, and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D.?

Ear Infections but happened funny

This may seem a little too risque to some, but it's so True... and Funny!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong... and sometimes it's embarrassing. 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. 



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist asked, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'



'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 



The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '



'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. 



The Receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. 
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something else and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 



The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 



The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?' 



'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated. 



The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'



'I can't pee out of it,' he replied. 



The waiting room erupted in laughter

Fishing is not funny

A good ol' Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says...
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin.' What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

-------

Redneck Fisherman

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game Warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish.""Pet fish?? Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into My net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse sh-t...you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHAT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"What fish?" asked the redneck.

-------

More to come ;-)

96 years old woman bank note for her future

The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
----------------------------

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it.  I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.  I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.  From
now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require
your chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.  Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.  In due course,
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me
to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further.  When you call
me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to
choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

To make an appointment to see me.
To query a missing payment.
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example,
I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.  Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client...

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

Great words 25 Pearls of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a high price for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Two Doilies having fun

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"

Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

1st Grader student funny answers

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic... although sad to see it said!

1. Don't change horses........................... until they stop.
2. Strike while the.................................. bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of..... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but....... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that..................... looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................... Mister.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.......... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll........ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the............. pigs.
13. An idle mind is.................................. the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's..................... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs
        with you, cry and............................. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as................ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not....... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only
        what you......................................... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind........... get out of the way.

And the WINNER is... the last one...

25. Better late than................................ pregnant.

In 1900 year's of fatherhood and now days fatherhood

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.



In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.



In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure a new tape is in the video camera.



In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.



In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.



In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice!"



In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid says, "But I wanted an X-box!"



In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in the fridge."

REquesting for $500 Loan

This may seem like a joke, but it really does make a lot of sense.

 business sense, horse sense and common sense 

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.  

The banker pulled out the loan application.
"What are you going to do with the money?" he asks the Indian.

"Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral," replied the Indian

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
"Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes.  1949 Chevy pickup," replied the Indian

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse," replied the Indian

"How old is it?" the banker asks.

"Don't know, has no teeth," replies the Indian

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.

"Put in hogan", replied the Indian

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.

"Don't know deposit," replied the Indian

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker...
"What you got for collateral?"

$2 billion at tacobell

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here.
"Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really... tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this... a two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks over to me and...
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah... ?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

This all made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!

Old timers how the couple were

 

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

 she asks."No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too
. You'd better write it down,

because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!
" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

 Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream
-- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?